If you get easily offeneded or need a safe space, these dirty jokes are definitely not for you!
1. A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
2. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he’d like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says “Four shots for yourself? What’s the special occasion?” to which the man replies “First blowjob.” The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he’ll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says “No thanks, if four shots doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”
3. What does it taste like when you eat out an old person?
4. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
5. How did pinnochio figure out he was made of wood?
His right hand caught on fire
6. A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
7. Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning
8. Why don’t rednecks try reverse cowgirl?
Because you never turn your back on family.
9. A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger – 2.99
Cheeseburger – 3.99
Chicken Sandwich – 4.99
Hand Jobs – 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” The bartender blushes slightly and says “Yes, I am” with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says “Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger.”
10. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
11. How do you spot a blind man in a nudist camp?
It’s not hard
12. What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
13. What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I’ve never paid 300 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
14. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
15. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month.
16. Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
17. Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing.
Doc: Everything looks ok but I still want to run tests so I need a urine, a feces and a sperm sample.
Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?
Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.
18. Three vampires walk into a bar. First vampire asks the bartender for a shot of blood, the bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it and leaves. The second vampire also asks the bartender for a shot of blood, he drinks it and leaves. The third vampires asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender looks puzzled and says, “a glass of water?” The vampires pulls out a used tampon and says “tea time”.
19. How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
20. There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says “Mommy what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies “Ummm… they are making cakes. now come on, we’ll go to the Zoo”
At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother “What are they doing?” And her mother replies with the same response, “They are making cakes. Thats it we’re going home”
The next day the girl says to her mother “Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren’t you?” Shocked, the Mother says, “What? How do you know?”
She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”
21. So I was eating my girlfriend out one night when I tasted horse semen.
“Grandma!” I said. “So that’s how you died!”
22. Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,”What the hell was that!?” The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but it hurt like hell!”
23. A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”
24. My city had its annual incest competition,
I entered my sister.
25. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.